"Many of us believe that wrongs aren't wrong if it's done by nice people like ourselves. (unknown)"
It's a human nature; we want people to pay some respect for whatever things that you're up to, and sometimes we wanted to be someone that we're not. and whatever image you paint on the outer side of you, the inner image is the only thing that counts. Maybe yes, maybe no.
I've been struggling to CHANGE for good. I may wear worn-out jeans, a hanky-panky ordinary boy, but I'm shifting myself to be someone better, trying to understand my Religion and myself better. Thus in that process of adjustment, YES, I am being hypocrite to myself. I'm tired of hearing people questioning whether the image that I've been wearing and said, parallel not with what I wrote on my blog, or said, etceteras. People talk and I am fully aware of that; and yes, they are free to say whatever things they wanted to say. I should keep my mouth sealed but my fingers will not.
Shifting myself to be someone better is not an easy job. I was born with little Islamic exposure, and I blame not my parents for that. In my humble opinion, the FORAGE for God is our individual responsibility. If you want to end up in heaven, you have to go and look the right path to follow because the choice is always yours. YOURS.
At times, I wished I were born with 'serban' on my head and clad in white 'Jubah' and memorize the whole Holy Quran. I wished I were less complicated and thoughtful, but I am not. I am a complex human being. I never wore serban on my head. I was never garbed in white 'Jubah' before. I don't even have one. And I don't even hafaz the whole Quran, not even one whole juzu’. Clear now? But I am aware that I am what I am now, but I need to improve myself to be a better Muslim. Not just wait till I’m on my deathbed.
I am a hypocrite.
I am a hypocrite who indulges in hypocrisy and I hate myself for being so absorbed to everything around me, and sometimes being so oblivious to my religion. And I'm trying to change, bit by bit, to be a person out of millions of believers that Heaven will proudly accept later. Few Love the sins they like to act, aye?
"Forbear to judge, for we are sinners all. (William Shakespeare, Henry VI)"
Do you feel better now?