Up | Down



~ ~
He sits in a darkest corner,
Counting memories that fading away,
Flipping empty pages of his diary,
He cries,
But no one seems to care.

He walks in the crowd,
He stumbles over stony road,
Pain strikes him,
He refused to cry,
At least, not this time.

As he walks to the only place he knew,
He looks up to see the crowd he walks in,
Everyone too consumed in their masquerade,
Everyone walks, swollen with pride.

This place has saw everything,
The moment he weeps, smiles and laugh,
He put down everything on the ground,
The promises, the dreams,
The hope, the smiles,
The pictures, the songs,
The pain, the memories,
He lit up fire and burns everything up.
He waits in tears till it turns to ashes,
This is the last time he will cry,
He will no longer live in dismay,
He's gone.



~ ~

I don't know what I feel of late. I lied to myself again to make everything ok. Now I know that sometimes, I just can't have it all. So, I decided to move on and never look back. Too many memories to be erased, to many people ached me, too little time to heal and too many trials coming through my way. I failed too many times in relationship; family, friends. I don't know what I should do. Deep inside me, I feel alone even though too many people revolve around me. I can't find a single thing to believe in. I'm losing my faith. I can't find anyone to talk to. My memories distort my thinking and it pains me so much. I'm tired of running to nowhere. I'm tired lying to my heart that everything will turn out fine eventually. I try to act strong, but I'm too fragile inside. But hang on Moja, let everything burns. Let your dream shatter to pieces. Let your anger reigns. You'll find a place to hold on to somewhere, somehow. Be strong and never look back. You will move on and smile from your heart again. I know you will.



~ ~
I never understand why my life shattered,I never understand why my dreams fall down,I never understand why I can’t feel myself,I never understand why I don’t feel like me,Not anymore. No matter how hard my problems are,I used to get over it,But it was yesterday,When my days are brighter,My life is merrier,And my smiles are sincere. It’s hard to live a lie,But you never understand,You never try to understand,I never intend to lie, But I have to,Even it’ll cost me my life and soul. You can’t know the truth,As the truth is my enemy,Just because I’m afraid it’ll hurt you to death,I’m losing my way,Just because I don’t want you lose it too.


~ ~

It’s been so long I didn’t post any on my blog. Even though too many remarkable things occur in my life of late, I can’t find my time to blog anymore. But, perhaps the bitterness conquers all. I will take the pain as another lesson for me this time as I watch everything crumbles. I don’t know why I took so long to see, to understand and to speak. It’s just because I love my friend too much, just too much and eventually I hurt myself by stepping out. It hurts but perhaps, that is the best way to do for this time being, I guess. It feels like I’m facing a harsh, brutal storm in my life. I can vividly feel its power, and the lighting too. I am scared of facing it.  I stop walking. I find myself a shelter. But, if the storm turns to be nasty, a shelter can always turn to be a trap. So, I decided to step out of my shelter. To face the storm bravely. My clothes get soaked, but I know that my bare skin is waterproof. Just like many other storms, it will always bring destruction, but with the rain, fall the wisdom of the heavens. And I believe that just like any storm, it will pass. The more violent the storm, the more quickly it will pass.

            I have, thank Allah, learned to face the storms.            I don’t wanna be like others that revolve around me. I won’t let my faith slips through my fingers just to love and be loved. World is just like seawater. The more you drink it, the thirstier you would be. Everything I do is for the cause of my God. So, I rather love myself instead of anyone else. I can dream my very own dream and achieve whatsoever things that I always wanted in this life.             Dear God; Thank you for not leaving me behind whenever I needed you the most. It’s over. 






~ ~

Here I am,

try to walk again after you pushed me in the dirt.


Here I am,

stand still and left everything behind.


Here I am,

breath easily, didn’t choke anymore.


Here I am,

whistle happily no more tears or sorrow.


Here I am,

alone but never lonely.


Here I am,

spending time with friends since you’re gone


Here I am,

share my laughter, holding back tears


Here I am,

I’m getting over it


Here I am,

being me and leaving you behind


Here I am,

hating you after you spit me out


Here I am,

I’m over your game


Here I am,

Hunting my life back


Here I am,

and read my lips,

“Baby, I’m back”



~ ~


This show will end tonight. A magnificent, prestigious play I ever involved in.

Y: We’ll do it for a very last time

M: Crave your last beautiful smile to them

Y: Of course, sure I’ll do

M: Break a leg!

Y: Carpe diem


I’m losing my ability to sleep. Another day from hell. I wish I never knew all these at the first place. To see and study hard to decipher your words and actions. To read between the lines of fear and blame. The smile when you tore him apart. Damn, I wish I never care to think, never care to heal, never care to share.


If these walls could speak, imagine what they will say? If these eyes could speak, will they be able to close and imagine as nothing ever happened? If this mouth could speak on its own, will it keeps silent of this matter? Will they? I don’t even know.


Will you be able to know how hard a dragonfly flies with a broken wing? To fly across through sticks and twigs the jungle, losing hope and cry over a shattered dream? Will you notice this bitterness? No.


I really like to show you a nice painting of ours. A sacred relationship that I’ve been trying hard to care of, but it seems even harder to keep it safe as new than to paint it. Its always better to be the painter than the paint. Now, I just can’t show you the painting. Not anymore. You’re face has faded away. I don’t know how. I’m sorry.


0.1, 0.2, 0.3, 0.4 and eventually 0.0…Nothing more left to say. So, I better keep this feeling as zero. It will never be one, two, neither three nor four, because its will always be zero. An empty, meaningless and effortless zero. Cheers!


Great show. Few viewers.

M: It’s an ode to you, baby.

Let’s enjoy the last curtain falls.



“Stand my ground, I won't give in

No more denying, I've got to face it

Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside

If I don't make it, someone else will

Stand my ground”


~ ~

Little boy,

You sit alone at the corner of the room,

the dark and walls that hug you,

sure make you feel secure.

The world don’t even look at you

And you can’t figure out why…


You walk to school,

drag yourself out of your shell,

the flaws make you feel low

But you still smile.

Trying to chase away

The fear and misery within…


Each time you walk home,

you stumble on the road

The road is too harsh

and no one offer you a hand.

Your knees feel weak


your arms bleed…


You feel like stopping

but I won’t let you be

I’ll walk with you,

Even the world left you behind.


By the end of this road to somewhere,

I’ll bid you farewell,

Till we meet again,

Oh yes, sure we will.



[As I was walking]

~ ~


As I was walking

I enjoy every bits of moment that I’ve spent,

My steps are slow…

Slow enough for a turtle to come and capture me

But it’s OK because it felt so right doing this.


To be free again,

To walk and bare my soul off,

Throughout this route to nowhere.

I won’t run; unable to catch my breath

I won’t look down at my feet; trapped by guilt and mercy

I won’t be doing that anymore


From now on,

I will walk.

Whenever my heart wants to,

And stop wherever my feet tell me so


Because pieces of my heart were scattered long time ago,

And I will keep looking for them,

Right when I was walking…

[Cry Baby, cry]

~ ~

Sometimes this world turns to be so harsh,

Sometimes it stabs you and leaves you solely,

I’ll stand by you,

Come here,

Let’s get over this..


Come sit next to me,

Lean on my shoulder,

It sure makes you feel much better,

Let go of everything in your heart,

Tonight we’ll together cry..


Take a deep breath,

And blow it away,

Chase out the dark clouds above you,

Don’t be afraid to shed your tears, let them go,

Washing away the pain within,

Because it’s OK baby,

It’s ok..


I’ll stand by you,

Cry baby, cry…


~ ~



Everyone is staring at me…am I wrong?


Everyone is blaming on me…am I wrong?


Their fingers are pointing at me…am I wrong?


I stand still. I look at my feet. I can’t breath easy…am I wrong?


They are talking and looking at me… am I wrong?






Does it wrong to love?


Does it wrong to make friend?


Does wrong to talk?


Does wrong to walk?


Tell me, does it?






I walk out this place…am I wrong?


Am I guilty?

And I heard them laughing…




~ ~

I see you, and you see me too.

We are in the same, large continent, but in different side for sure. Your sky is blue just like mine too. And my grass is green as the same goes for you. But as my strides march for you, I’ll hit that transparent wall. I can’t see. You can’t see. But both of us can feel; that we’ve been diverged by this glass wall. So, I sit and facing you on the other side. We wish this wall soon will crumble down to earth, so we’ll be able to touch again. But sure, its going to take a little time. Maybe days, months, years or even forever. Only God knows.

I will wait for you. Will you?



~ ~

You gave him that shirt; He smiled with exuberant hope,

Mend his shirt you try, or just let it on hold,

Because I think you need time; to mend again his cloth,

Please don’t give in or even get cold.


He left you at home, to gave you some space,

But now you are leaving in such a daze,

Your stride is fast, it’s impossible to walk with,

But I’m sure he will try hard even though with scratch.


You open the door, and I keep asking you,

Please don’t leave now, without any cue,

Because he’ll be home soon and still hoping you,

To still be here so he can be with you…


Please stay, so he won’t get hurt,

When nobody’s home.



~ ~

My close-knit buddy's piece of writing: Farah

Your shirt got torn. You asked me to mend it. I took your shirt. I smiled. You smiled back at me. And it was a meaningful smile. But, yes there was a but. I hesitated and it was not a good sign. I didn’t know whether I could do it or not. I wasn’t sure. I tried. And I kept trying. I didn’t want to give up. I remembered I smiled at you when you gave me that shirt. And you smiled back at me. Yes, it was your meaningful smile that kept me to keep on trying to mend your shirt. But I was scared. I tried so many times. But I failed. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong. Yet I still tried. But I had to stop. There’s no point anymore. I couldn’t go on. Everything was wrong. So, I stood up from the armchair that I had been sitting for about 3 hours just to mend your shirt. I put your shirt on the coffee table. It was not mended. I left the room. I left the house. I walked away. I didn’t look back.


~ ~

Time flies by. It’s hard to believe I’m on the edge of another good-bye in another chapter of my life. I won’t be able to see some faces that make me laugh, cry and angry throughout this year anymore.

Another chapter of my life is about to be opened.

I haven’t discovered yet my true colors and traits. But I’ve discovered few friends that helped me to this perplexing quest. At last, all of the enjoyment, loveliness, gaiety that I had for his year is about to end.

Everything is falling apart. Everything seems cold.


The pain will not be healed in a short time. It takes more than it should on me. Life is an abstract thingy. It just like a piece of paper. Your friends, experiences and eagerness will taint something on top of it. After abundance of miseries in my life, I finally found my place here, in UiTM Melaka. It ain’t a heaven to some, but it does to me. I found my angelic friends here (the demons still here, though), a place where I feel belong to, but everything is crumbling in my consciousness. Something inside me is crying but I won’t shed my tears. I won’t forfeit this game.

The baffling quest is taking its toll on me,and the clock is ticking…




~ ~

How much we learn to understand our inner traits? Or maybe how much we’ve change ourselves just to be accepted or ‘to fit in’ with our cliques? Whether we realize it or not, this suicidal act will take its toll on us sooner or later. And I commit it too.

It’s hurt but it’s OK. I put on my mask every single day just to feel accepted and eventually, it does work on me. I’ve been accepted by my clique and it feels fucking good. I curve my fake 10,000 watts smiles everyday, blurt out words that I shouldn’t have spoken and did malicious rumours about others. I know, you know and we all now. But, I never realize that being the new ‘Moja’ has been killing my inner cells of heart every time the clock ticks. I am screwed.

I am not being me as I should. It is cancerous and sometimes I wonder, perplexed, baffled and mystified whether is there any ways of turning back. Every word I say now seems cold, meaningless, and I am sick of it. Fuck. I am moody, messy, restless, and senseless and these feelings are eating me inside out. Few weeks to go home and I can’t wait to be there, to be side by-side with my love ones. The one who understands me better all along. Who accepts me the way I am now, then and forever. Mom.

I gawp. Myself has spoken; I don’t wanna be anything else but me.


~ ~

Friends come and gone; a natural flow of life. Cliques form and disband, just in a blink of eye. What should we feel; what should I feel? Maybe for some so- called homo sapiens out there, friends can be acquired anyway, anytime- even at the bus stop or any mamak stalls. Nevertheless, for me, a friend means more than just that. Maybe people think that I have such an annoying, sensitive Shakespearean hearts and I must confess and nod my head about that.

According to Mr Affendi (2006), there are three type of friends that revolve around you; permanent, recyclable and disposable (uh huh, see, I’m revising how to do the citation! Hurray!) A permanent friend is the hardest to find one. He can be describe as a pair of good, seasoned but yet comfortable jeans. You still craving for that particular pair of jeans albeit you have dozens of Levi’s in your wardrobe. Close friends are friends whom you do a lot of things together with, friends whom you see almost every other day.

However, due to I don’t really a staunch believer in friendship and so-called best-friend anymore. It has long gone into the drain. Now I try to understand friendship in a simpler form. It’s just a ‘seasonal’ relationship, which is I can break it off anytime I want. You know that for now, there would be this period of time where you would just not feel that hot about certain friend. For me, I almost finish my pre-degree year in a few weeks and I know those relationship that I have now are about to be untied and embedded in my head as another chapter in my medulla oblongata. It gonna hurts me the most, but I do cherish every moment we spent together.

Life is abstruse, as it may seem to me. I hope I will have a pair of jeans to wear in whatever season that may come.

As I said, it’s seasonal.